Ugh

This will be long.
Just warning you.

I'm having a crummy day.

But, actually, the day has been fine.  That's the problem.  It's just me that's off.  When James left for work today, he said "Hope your day gets better!", and I thought, like, really...nothing bad has happened.  I just feel like, well...you know.

When I really think about it, I feel guilty for being in such a bad mood when I have so much to be thankful for.  I mean, really.  Today James was around for the morning, I had a good long hot shower, with time to shave my legs.  He made French toast, which I drank with delicious coffee. When I started making whiny noises back at Haydon and slamming things around, he sent me out to the porch with my coffee and journal so I could have some me time.  I had a nice visit with a good friend this afternoon, then went shopping and bought stuff, most of it unnecessary (but not like, frivolous, like, a daybook, and sunshades for the back windows in the car.  In fact, I refrained from buying a beautiful little book for my munchkin, and some adorable baby clothes, and a double burner camp stove.  so there).

So, like I said, that can hardly be considered a bad day.  And yet...me and this mood are not all that fun to be around.

(sidenote - because I am such a stellar mother and my baby is such a stellar napper, it's 5:30 and he's totally zonked.  Not only did he fall asleep in the car on the way home from our visiting and shopping, he hasn't eaten since he went down for his nap at noon.  And, as if I just reminded him of that, he JUST woke up as I typed that sentence)

I'm so ready to go back to work.  In September, James will be going back to school full time, and hanging out with Haydon while I work full time.  I never ever thought I would look forward to that.  Three months ago, I was trying to figure out every possible way I could not ever go back to work.  Two months ago, you could never have convinced me that I would ever enjoy anything other than staying home with Haydon, although I recognized it might have to happen.  A month ago, I was resigned to the fact that I would have to leave my baby, but not thrilled about it.  Now...it can't happen soon enough.  I suppose it's good that I feel that way, since it's how it's going to be.

I don't even remember what else I had to say.  Haydon is screaming away in his crib, 'cause our afternoon was so out of wack and bedtime didn't go as I had hoped.  I think he's tired enough that he'll go to sleep soon, but if it lasts longer than 10 minutes, I'll go rescue him.  Then the plan for the evening is to pack up to head out in the morning for a few days with my parents and sister and their RV.  I hope time with them cures this ridiculous funk, 'cause seriously, something's gotta give, and soon.

Frick

I just spent WAY TOO LONG typing a ridiculously long post that I managed to delete right before I was about to post it.

Grr.

The gist was, my last week was crazy busy, despite the fact that I did a hundred-and-one fun and exciting things (like book club, park with friend and babies, niece's dance recital, sew re-usable sanitary pads for girls in Africa, get a haircut, shop with Mom, visit Port Dover and have dinner with Dad's fam for father's day, take hubby out for breakfast for Father's day, get together for BBQ with Mom's fam for father's day...), me and my house are feeling chaotic and unorganized as a result.

So, this week:
I will make a point of being at home more.  I seriously don't know if I spent much more than 2 hours in a row in my house in the past week.  Definitely not in the past 4 days.  That's ridiculous.
I will make 3 suppers.  And eat them in my house, at my dining table.  And do all the dishes and clean up afterward.
And I will attempt to daily memorize some scripture.  I've decided to try to memorize the Psalms.  I started last week with Psalm 1, and, so far, so good.  This week is Psalm 2.

And now, I am going to go upstairs and sit with that guy who worked long and hard at the Sound of Music Festival and steal some of his apple beer.

Mediocre and Mundane

So, I have a couple of friends who are pretty fabulous people.  They are strong, single women, who have really neat jobs, are involved in really neat and worthwhile causes, take care of themselves really well, and are each incredibly beautiful to boot.  I don't see either one of them very often, but have run into both of them in the past month.

And after I see them, I feel like crap.

Next to their exciting and interesting lives, I feel like I am living the most mediocre and mundane life ever.  I feel like getting married super young was the safe comfortable thing to do and that I am somehow "less" than them.  I feel like I am a messy, unsophisticated crayon drawing next to beautifully crafted watercolours.

I know that this is ridiculous.  I know that my mother-and-wife life can contribute to the world and that I, too, can be rounded and interesting and beautiful.  I know that I shouldn't compare myself with these women and instead should be inspired by them to be my best, which is all they're doing.

But I can't seem to shake it.