Feeling Resolute?

I guess you could say my New Year's resolution this year is to add one thing a week to my daily routines to inch me toward what an "ideal" day might look like.  So each week, I add one thing to my morning, and one thing to my evening.

So far, it's been:

Week 1 - established consistent wake up and bed times.

Week 2 - scripture first, floss

This is Week 3.  Week 3's resolution is "wipe up".  When I'm done in the bathroom in the morning, I'll return all my stuff to my drawer, grab a cloth or towel I used that morning, and give the counter a quick once-over.  Same at night.

But the thing that will take WAY more resolve this week?

the sleep training.

It's just not working.  And by it, I mean me.

I can't stick to it.

Mostly because I want to tell the sleep doula lady to take her plan and shove it.

So.  We decided tonight that I need to come up with the plan, and James will implement it,
but I need to be behind it.

The plan basically is no nursing at night, because when he wakes up, that's what he wants, so we need to break the association of
nursing = sleeping.

(I know lots of you have all kinds of opinions on that, but our family needs a solid night's sleep to function with our current commitments, and I'm pretty sure this is the only way we're gonna get it).

Instead of nursing, one of us (James) will pat his back and "shhhh" him, slowly removing the patting and just "shhhh"ing, then moving the "shhh"ing into the hall.

(I've been "shhhhhh"ing for an hour and half.  I'm currently on the floor outside his bedroom door "shhhhh"ing.  and I'm still in my work clothes.
and my house is a mess.
and the babysitter's coming here tomorrow.
and there are currently no lunches made for tomorrow.
and the diapers need to be washed.)

So, the resolution of the week is "wipe up."

But the real resolve is required to get through this week's sleep plan.

And release my grip on all that stuff that I can't change right now.

A Day's Delights

Today was one of those days that just couldn't have been much better.

One of those wonderful, ordinary, lovely days in which nothing extra special happens, but is full of all kinds of things that are so very special.

Today was a long time coming, the first day I've had off after working 10 in a row.

And it was good.  

Kind of like God said it would be when he mandated rest.

That God.  So wise.

The Saint of a husband of mine let me sleep in.

Around 9:00, two smiling faces accompanied a giant cup of coffee into my bedroom.

And we all crawled in, and snuggled, and sang "head and shoulders knees and toes", and tickled, and giggled, and the coffee got cold, and I couldn't have been happier.

(Haydon touched his own head for the first time today as we sang - I was so excited to see him making that connection!)

Then I and the boy went for a walk down Ottawa Street.

And I love Ottawa Street.

(as my husband said the other day - I wish there were more "love" words in the English language, 'cause when I see that written down, it looks silly putting love next to a street when 

I love God 

and I love my son 

and I love good books

...but you get the idea)

We strolled, and we browsed, and we chatted with shop-owners and artists, and I bought clothes, and my boy got to play, and then we walked home in the sunshine 'cause I missed the bus by about 30 seconds, and figured I might as well spend the next half hour getting some exercise in the sunshine rather than standing in the cold at a bus stop.

As we walked, we sang, 'cause that's just what I do.

And we danced, 'cause I tend to do that too.

And I'm sure I looked ridiculous singing and dancing my way down Cannon Street with a stroller.

And I'm sure I couldn't care less.

Haydon was tired.

He wanted to sleep so badly.

And I wanted him to stay awake and have lunch before his nap so badly.

So I kept tickling him, and singing louder, and involving the stroller in my dance.

And he kept giggling, and squirming, and yawning...

And somehow managed to sleep and laugh at the same time, twitching and smiling as I played with his ear lobes or poked his belly.

After lunch, that St. James got home.

And we waited for the poor little boy to put himself to sleep (sometimes he does so well, other times it seems to take forever - today he managed to poo just after I put him down, prolonging the whole thing even more by throwing a bum change into the mix).

Then that Saintly guy and I had a nap of our own.

Mmmmm.  Naps are so good.

And I tip-toed out before either of those great guys woke up, and I snuck into the bath and enjoyed a few minutes of peace and quiet and hot water before I trudged downstairs with a load of dirty diapers.

My mama got me a gift card for my birthday, and I asked St. James if he minded if I ran to the store for a bit to buy some clothes I needed (I use that word liberally.  we don't really know need).

And of course, he said yes.

And of course, when I walked in the door two hours later, dinner was ready.

Chicken parmagiana.

And he kissed me, and put on his coat, and went to work and didn't even get to eat it with us.

(He'll be fed at work - he can pick off the restaurant's menu.  It's not as bad as I made it sound)

but it sure is as good as I made it sound.  

Haydon loved it - he ate a whole chicken breast!

And then he played while I tidied.

And we headed upstairs, and got ready for bed, and I blew raspberries on his chubby little tummy as we put on his pjs.

And read our stories.

And nursed, and prayed.

And hugged, and kissed.

And tucked in.

And now, I sit, after doing those tasks that seem mundane, but mean that we're alive - laundry, dishes.

In the background, Crosby, Stills &Nash sing "Our house, is a very very very fine house!" over the hum of the dishwasher.

To one side is a beautiful vase of bright orange and red Gerber daisies - a birthday gift from my mom-in-law,

on the other a sleeping, sighing dog.

My heart is so full.

I am so blessed.  

Oh, hi

Hello tired blog.

I have missed you.

Kind of like I've missed relaxing, and writing, and hanging out with my husband.

Who just put a hand on my back, asked "how're the dishes coming?" and reminded me of the cheesecake we'll share when they're done.

Someday, I'll write again.

Someday...

(job is good, boy is GREAT!, husband is wonderful)

Sometimes

I don't know how to be that person I want to be, that person I think I am somewhere down inside.

I was reading a couple of posts on a couple of blogs from a couple of pretty amazing women that I've never ever met.  They were thoughtful, and deep, and talked about their heritage, and their children, and being a mom, and loving Jesus.  There was so much intentionality in those words, in the lives they are letting me peak into.

And I want to be that too.  I want to be thoughtful about my mothering.  Connected to those beyond me, those family members who have contributed to who I am.

And then there's reality.  There's rushing to get to work and wash some diapers and find some healthy supper and maybe take a shower and be with my husband.  There's hitting the bed hard at the end of the day, exhausted, knowing that there will be crying from the crib next door in just a couple of hours.  There's needing to do it again tomorrow.

My life is not difficult.  My life is so blessed, and full.  I am well supported by my husband and family and friends and church community.  I have all kinds of simple luxuries for which I am so thankful.

But I am not good at cultivating that depth, that intentionality in my life that I long for.

And I need to go to work now.  After I help put away the groceries.

Playing Hooky

Hi.  Goodmorning.  I miss blogging.

Suck it up, princess, you've got a good job and a great family keeping you busy.

Speaking of which - just made the executive decision not to go into the office this morning, and stay home to get some stuff done around here.  Ok, so, I didn't actually have to be in the office, but I have a meeting this afternoon, and had planned to put in a few hours this morning as well.  Just decided in the shower that rather than running around like a nutter, forgetting my pump, and sitting in traffic, all the while feeling crummy about the fact that the babysitter is coming this afternoon and my house is chaos, I'd stay home and deal with some of the chaos (it's one thing for me to have to make my way through the piles...others shouldn't have to).

So, like, instead of being super-productive while the husband and baby are still sleeping, I'm blogging.  

Other reflection - having a hard time fitting Bible study into my daily routine.  Didn't have a hard time sitting down for a "quick" email/facebook check before my shower that quickly became 15 minutes.  Unnecessary, and will likely happen another 10 times today, and yet, for some reason it seems so difficult to schedule 15 minutes of devotional time into my morning.  Gotta make that happen.

Also.  I want you to know about this:

Ontario Pioneer Camp is a place I spent a LOT of time at growing up.  I worked for many summers as a part of their Inclusion Program, which provides an opportunity for children with special needs to have a great camp experience.  OPC is currently in the running to receive a $25,000 grant from Pepsi which would allow 20 children to go to camp - a huge blessing.  

YOU CAN HELP by going to the Pepsi Refresh Everything website and voting daily for the rest of this month.  You have to create a log-in, but once you've done that, it only takes a minute each day.  While you're at it, check out some of the other causes.  You get ten votes a day (they have to be spread among the various causes), so you might as well spend some of your screen time doing something worthwhile!

Thanks!  Hope you have a fantastic day!

Crazy Going Slowly Am I...

I feel like I'm living in an Erma Bombeck book.  Seriously.  As I rush out the door in a whirlwind of books and bottles, it's pretty humourous some mornings. 

Tuesday, I was about 6 blocks away when I realized I had forgotten my breast pump.  And that I hadn't nursed Haydon in at least 3 hours.  It was a good thing I had left for work early.  I whizzed back, nursed him, grabbed the pump and left.  I'm sure the babysitter thought I was nuts.

I used to always look wonder why people with kids were so scattered.  Why couldn't they just show up somewhere, on time, with their kids dressed with matching socks?  And why were the kids always eating some sort of take-a-long breakfast?  Hahahaha...I so get it now.  Getting ourselves out the door early in the morning is quite the production.  And I only have one, and I can't get anywhere on time anymore (James asked me tonight if my mom, who has been known to be chronically late, was like that before she had children...wait...my mom existed before she had children!?!)    

And then there's days like today.  I know I'm not superwoman.  But somedays I feel like I'm starting to come close.

I went to work (teaching today).

I came home on my lunch break and nursed Haydon and hung clothes out to dry.

Went back to work.

Came home and asked the babysitter if she could stay a bit longer so that I could cut the grass and clean up the disgusting mess of grapes that have fallen from our grapevine 'cause we haven't gotten around to picking them.

Ok.  So, maybe that's not all that much.  It was in my head when I decided I'd make a beautiful supper too.  But then I decided that James could make his own dinner, 'cause I was going to be fed at book club.  

And then I sat on the floor while Haydon played and tried to finish the book for book club.  

And then I went to book club.

(Thank the good Lord for good books and great woman to discuss them with!!!)

But seriously.  There's something about being the person bringing home the bacon, AND doing the laundry, AND cutting the grass that just feels like...a lot.  

And don't get my wrong, that husband guy is probably still a Saint, but it sure has been a tough week as we sort out our new roles and added responsibilities on not a ton of sleep.  Let's just say that tempers have been a bit short this week.

Someone at book club asked me tonight if I did ridiculous things because I'm tired enough to be crazy.  

Oh, maybe.

Like get the coffee all set to go this morning, except not actually put any coffee into the machine, only to be super disappointed when I came back to a pot of hot murky water.

Or fill the car up with gas, only to look in my side mirror five minutes later and notice that I hadn't put the cap on the tank.

Or stay up blogging when I should be sleeping 'cause the husband's working on a report that will likely keep him up most of the night and so that baby's all mine when he gets up.  Every time (shall we bet on how many tonight?  I think four).

I used to be able to gather thoughts and right witty, smart sentences in posts that were somewhat themed and thought out.  This...this...I don't even know what this is.

Goodnight.  And Goodluck.

no rest for the weary

I'm going to whine.  And maybe cry.  And rant a little.  That's what blogs are for.

If I run into you today, I'll downplay it, and say "Oh, it's not that bad...you just need to change your expectations a bit.  We're managing fine."  And I suppose we are.  

But, seriously.

We need to figure out this damn sleep thing.

I say that as the parent who didn't do the getting up in the night.  

I honestly don't know how he does it.  It amazes me that he doesn't have melt downs in the day.  James brought him into me to nurse twice last night.  I check the clock when I take him back to bed.  Once at 1:45.  The second time at 3:30.  That's not even two hours in between, and I know James tried to soothe him for awhile before bringing him to me to nurse, so, if he was up, spent time with James, nursed, and THEN it was 3:30, he certainly didn't sleep long in between.  Oh, and did I mention he was up for good at 4?  Oh, and that I'm working 3-11 tonight and somehow have to support my husband in getting some homework done this morning so I can't just hide in bed all morning?  Oh, and that I HAVEN'T SLEPT FOR MORE THAN 5 HOURS IN 9.5 FRIGGIN' MONTHS!

15 days to our weekend away...Not really sure what that will look like for my parents who won't be able to nurse him back to sleep.  Was going to try to work toward night weaning so that it would be easier for them, but, at this point, I do whatever I can to get however much sleep it'll get me.

Blogging...or not

Once upon a time, I blogged.  A lot.

Then I started working.  Life got a little busy (not as busy as it could be, but, still, busy).

There are all kinds of things floating around my mind that I would like to sit and blog about .

Like how God has been so good to us and provided me with good work.

And about how he has taken care of all the little details that I was worried about, like my boy not taking bottles, and child care, and scheduling conflicts.

I want to update you on our spending experiment.

And on our sleeping situation.

I want to blog about how much my boy had grown and changed and what a delight he is.

And about how I measure my success by my clothesline - like, how early I can get clothes out, and how silly I feel when they stay out all night (what will the neighbours think? gasp!)

I want to blog about maturity, and being a grown up, and the ways I've had to do some growing up lately.

And about how it's a bit of a challenge to work out what life looks like at home now that we've changed roles.

Each one of these are a post unto themselves.  But I really don't have time to sit and share.

See, if I'm going to survive, and thrive in this new workin' mama life, if I'm going to be able to love and care for the people that I live with and the people that I work with - 

I really need to spend time sitting with Jesus and do my reflecting in my journal, in his presence.

So, someday I'll blog about all of those things.

In the meantime, I'll get over my desire to prove to you that I am a deep, thoughtful, reflective person who's blog is worth reading...and go spend time with Jesus so I might actually become that person, by his grace at work in me.

Working Out

This work thing might not be so bad after all.

I had my first day back at work on Tuesday.  It went ok.  Things there haven't really changed, so that's nice.  It was hard to go, and I was a little teary for the first hour or so, but I did ok.  More importantly, so did Haydon.  He was a little clingy James said, and bed time was rough, but he hadn't slept well the night before, so he may have been that way anyway because he was tired.  I took my pump, pumped a bit after dinner (I work afternoon shifts, 1-9 or 3-11), and all was well.

Today's my second shift.  And, as much as I wasn't a huge fan of working afternoons and missing out on bedtime, there are definitely perks to working afternoons.  Like the fact that I've spent all day with my boys!  I was able to hang out a load of laundry, bath my kiddo, go for a walk with my main men, have a nice lunch, and put Haydon down for both of his naps.  He starts bedtime around 6, so, really, I'm only going to miss about 3 hours of his day.  AND he finally accepted a bottle, so James is able to give him milk before bed, and, there's not much to worry about!  I'll be able to spend a big chunk of the day with him, James will be able to work on school assignments while I'm around, and everything's gonna be a'ight.

That's a relief!

In other news...I've gone almost a whole week without buying stuff, kinda, sorta.  Ok, it was Saturday last week that we binged.  And tomorrow's Saturday.  And we're going to the Locke Street Festival tomorrow, so I really shouldn't be touting my success just yet.  And, the more I think about it, there have been some purchases this week.  We bought Haydon some jammies at Little Bird, 'cause sleepers are on sale right now and he's grown out of most of his.  And we bought him a winter hat, 'cause he'll need one of those (both legitimate, I'd say)...but we also bought some shirts 'cause they were just too darn cute to leave behind.  The other thing I bought was breast pads.  I've been trying not to, 'cause I have lots of reusable ones, but this is one area where I can't say I've found a reusable product that performs as well as the disposable.  I've tried.  Many times.  Like this week, the day I had the interview, when I noticed as I was heading out the door that I'd leaked through the wool pad, my bra, and my shirt.  Oh well, you win some, you lose some.  And, James really wanted pizza last night.  He bought it for us from his allowance, but it ended up costing more than he'd expected, and I'm a sucker, so I think we'll go halfsies with him.  Oh yeah.  There was also that ice cream maker James bought off kijiji.  He's such a nut.

Finally, next week I'm going join Bible Study Fellowship International again, and I'm so excited!  I went to BSF when I was in university, and really enjoyed it's approach to studying the Bible.  Really looking forward getting back into it again.

Have a lovely weekend!  Check out the Locke Street Festival tomorrow - should be a great time!  Haydon and I will be at the La Leche League's booth, helping with the boobie bake sale... :P

Helloooo?

So, remember that job interview I had on Thursday afternoon, the one in which they said "You'll hear from us shortly."?  Yeah, it's Tuesday.  Does that qualify as shortly?  I'm getting a little panicky...last time I heard from them an hour after my interview, and they called by 9:15am the day that applications were due to set up my initial interview...so the fact that it's been four days leaves me worried.  And then there's the question about when it's appropriate to call...If they wanted me to work for them, surely they'd tell me that.  But, what if it's some sort of test?  Does she follow up?  What if in a personal planning meeting a parent or care provider say they sill get back to you and you don't hear from them...when do you contact them?  Maybe they're waiting to see how I work?  Oh I don't know!  But I am starting to worry.  James is done work in 6 days.  This job starts in 6 days.  But if I want my old job back I need to give 30 days notice...and EI doesn't ever get sorted out right away...gah.

Bought stuff yesterday...2 packs of drawer/cupboard latches, a book of stamps, and wrote a cheque for the deposit for our anniversary get-away.

:-)

Life feels good again.

FINALLY!

I just spent a few days with my family (of origin) in Prince Edward County, and it was lovely.  My parents had their RV parked near Picton for the week, and my sister and I drove up on Wednesday to join them for a bit, and that was a good thing!  It was just good to be with more people to spread out the baby-care load, and it was good to be away from the chores of home, and it was good to spend some time looking at some of the beautiful art Prince Edward County has to offer.

My favourite studio was Armstrong Glassworks, and there was some BEAUTIFUL blown glass there.  I lovedLOVED his coloured pears.

And I want one...in every colour.

I'm also just really excited about life in general right now.  Being away gave me some time to think about what's important to me, and what I want to happen in life, and I have enjoyed thinking about those things, and how I'll make them happen.  I had a bunch of things that were in my head as "someday I'd like to..." and just realized that if I don't actually name them and make a plan for them to happen, they won't.

And so, in the next five years, and before we have our next baby, we will...

- go away for a weekend to celebrate our 5th anniversary (this October)
- pay off all of our school debt
- redo our kitchen
- go to Europe

I'm excited.  I've got the kitchen all planned out in my head.  And that excitement will fuel my fiscal responsibility, so that the school debt actually gets all paid off, and we can save up to make this beautiful dream kitchen a reality.

Finally, if you're a pray-er, I'm sitting down tomorrow to polish up my resume and write some cover letters.  The plan is that I will be our breadwinner starting in September.  Since I've started praying about and looking for jobs, I've come across three opportunities, all of which are really good fits in various ways.  Pray that my resumes will be well received, that I will get interview opportunities, and that the right doors are opened (and shut) to have me in the job that will be best for me, and for us, in September.